The talk of the prison yard today was the trial of the Microwave Mom. As the story goes, China Arnold of Dayton, Ohio got wasted on 151 and placed her infant, Paris, on “Popcorn.”

China destroying Paris with mass-manufactured kitchen appliances? I couldn’t stop laughing at the irony of the globalization overtones, until Meat Hook and Queer Bubba prodded my jugular with the corner of a Koran.

Evan, the fairy emo who I sometimes eat lunch with, didn’t even buy the story. He used to microwave hamsters when he worked at PetCo, so his empirical evidence points to the fact that if the baby was microwaved, it would have most likely exploded.

You know, with my retrial coming up, I can’t help but reevaluate this on a legal basis. Have you heard her defense? “I was too drunk to be able to operate an appliance, so obviously I didn’t microwave my baby.”

One more strike against the evolution folks …