Son of a biscuit eater! After Stupid Tuesday, things are still as unsettled as before. Maybe even more so. I just need to know who the heck is going to be the next president so I can beg him or her to make me Attorney General. With me as Attorney General, we could actually lower taxes.

Lower taxes. Doesn’t sound like a Democrat, does it? But if Hillary or Barack, or heck, that liberal in disguise John McCain, were to nominate me for the position of Attorney General, I would rake in the billable hours and the huge settlements. I’d sue the pants off everyone in this country and erase the deficit faster than you can say Pharmaceutical Drug Litigation.

I’d run that Attorney General’s office like a solid ambulance chasin’ law firm. Don’t even call it the Office of the Attorney General. Call it Edwards & Associates, LLP. A slip and fall down at the Capitol building? That’s an easy $3 million lawsuit right there. Someone trip on a frayed carpet during a White House tour? Cha-ching!

Of course, I’d waive my fixed government salary and instead take a cut of the settlements. I’d even work on contingency, because if you don’t win, John Edwards doesn’t win either.

Wrongful death suits, airplane crash litigation, you name it, I can win it. When you were arrested for slinging heroin in D.C., did the cops put the cuffs on a little too tight? I’m the world’s leading trial attorney when it comes to litigating overzealous handcuffing. I’m also good at suing EMTs, firefighters and other rescue workers. Most people don’t realize this, but say you’re in a house that’s on fire and firefighters rescue you. Did you know that just because they’re saving your life, it doesn’t give them the right to grab you. That’s harassment. And as your Attorney General, I’ll go after the town, the state or even higher. Whoever has the deepest pockets.

Edwards & Associates, LLP can get you billions of dollars. All you have to do is call our toll-free number today!