These reports of my campaign being broke and desperate are premature. So what if I take commercial flights alone, carry my own bags and hitch rides to campaign events? I like doing that stuff; it doesn’t mean I’m poor. Oh, what, this old half-eaten can of baked beans? I just carry that around in case I get hungry. I love baked beans, that’s all. It’s my favorite legume. Doesn’t mean I’m a hobo or anything.

What, this hobo sack? A hobo sack happens to be a very easy and efficient way of carrying your personal items, I’ll have you know. You wouldn’t believe all I stuff I can fit in here, like an old boot, a locket containing a picture of my sweetheart I left behind in Tulsa all those years ago, two dollars in change and a spare pair of underwear. Just wrap it up in a handkerchief, tie it to a stick, and you’re set. Carrying things in this hobo sack has absolutely nothing to do with my campaign’s financial problems.

Why do I have these colorful patches on my knees and elbows? Well, why not? Look at them, they’re festive and fun. They make this drab coat and these shabby pants come alive. I think everyone should wear these patches. It’s not because I had gaping holes in my clothes. Don’t read into these things too much.

When was the last time I bathed? Well, two weeks ago, but what does that have to do with anything? My campaign schedule keeps me extremely busy. I’ll bathe when I need to bathe. Right now we’re focused on getting our message out there in events throughout Iowa, New Hampshire, and South Carolina, or, you know, as close as I can get in the car I’m hitching in.