Just when I think I’ve got a handle on the current glut of newfangledness in America, I see something in the paper that boggles my mind. I heard on the radio today that stores are starting to sell vinyl records! Jeez Louise! Vinyl records! That’ll be the day! What’s so wrong with the wax cylinders that we’ve been listening to for years? Is there a carnuba shortage or something?

Now, if I know anything about kids it’s that they can’t resist Grandpa when he’s got a pocket full of butterscotch candies, and they love the popular music records. I don’t pretend to speak for every Tom, Dick and Harry down the lane, but when I listen to “Yiddle on your Fiddle” or "When Ragtime Rosie Ragged The Rosary," I don’t want to miss any of the pops, squeaks or small, manageable oil fires that go with it.  Quadraphonic hi-fi crystal clear vinyl? Thanks, but no thanks.

Oh, and what about that new Incredible Hulk movie? Didn’t we just have one of those?  And wasn’t it newfangled enough as it was. Hollywood, if you want to do another one of these remakes, I just saw a real corker of a picture. It was called The Sneeze, and it was made by Thomas Edison. Jumping jehosephat, talk about a rollercoaster ride! There’s a man, and at first you can’t tell if he’s going to sneeze or not, and then it seems like he’s going to, and then it’s sort of touch-and-go for a second, like will-he or won’t-he, and then his head tips back and he sneezes! And it seems like a loud one, too! Whew! I’ll tell you, by the time the picture was over, Cindy was squeezing my arm so hard, I was seeing stars! If any of the studios wants to make a million dollars this year, they should remake this one! I’d love to see what John Ford or Alfred Hitchcock could do with it.

Oh, and one more thing. Have you heard about this new iPhone? It’s a telephone and a clock combined! Now enough’s enough! This is beyond newfangled! If you want to talk to someone on the phone, dial the operator; if you want to know what time it is, just walk by a bank. 

 Straight talk!