Friends, to paraphrase a quote from that bowling documentary, The Big Lebowski, politics is not 'Nam. There are rules, goddamit!

These days, nothing makes sense to me. My aides are always looking at these little doo-dads in their hands and pressing buttons, and when I asked what they were, they lied to me. Blackberries are much smaller and jucier than those things. But more pressingly, Obama is turning this campaign into a circus, but not the fun kind. How? For instance:

He's raising more money than me. Look, I'm not a racist by any means. I fought beside many colored people in 'Nam, and when my mother asked the mayor of Newark to shine her shoes, I told her that was bad. But I'm the old white guy in this race--I'm supposed to have the money! Seriously, $52 million in a month? It's like he has a magic box that allows his supporters to give him money without sending a check through the mail.

People are speculating that a Republican will be his running mate. Look, just so no one gets confused: I'm the Republican candidate! Me! Republicans campaign with Republicans, Democrats with Democrats. What will be next? Men marrying men?

He's ahead in the polls. This may be the most grevious case of Obama breaking the rules. Once again, I'm the Republican. I protect the little guy from big government, and I protect America against her most hated enemies, like the Japanese. Obama is the liberal who will put our country in debt, force children to take tests to progress through the school system, and make policy changes that will destroy America's strength -- the automobile industry.