Associated Press

There’s been a lot of idiot pundits talking about how Fidel Castro’s probably dead. Do you think he’s dead? Of course not you BASTARDS, I’ve got him tied up in an empty warehouse with veins full of poison and a mouth full of lippers.

Should I lift the EMBARGO OF POISON and let him live? F THAT! There’s some classified Bay of Pigs type of shit I gotta handle first. Some ties to Kosovo.

I gotta save a few refugees, some Cuban farmers, and all I got is a backpack full of grenades. It’s a numbers game. And it’s two plus two equals murder in these parts. Fidel better cooperate or else I’m gonna put the castration in Castro …

You know what I mean.