It is with great pride that I report to you, my dear readers, that I (the royal “I”) have agreed to disable my nuclear facilities in exchange for getting off the terrorism list.

You know, it’s interesting how such landmark moments in one’s life can trigger the most irreverent memories. As I was printing my name on the blank line in “I ________ hereby pledge to disable any and all nuclear facilities in my country _______” I thought back to when I was eight years old… when another authority figure had me disable a machine of war I had created…

(flashback)

A young KIM JONG-IL is running into an impressive library in a large mansion. He is wearing a light blue oxford shirt, khaki shorts, suspenders, a bow tie and navy blue knee-high socks while clutching a metal contraption in his hands. He approaches a desk where a stately older Korean man, FATHER, is hard at work.

YOUNG KIM:
Father! Father!

FATHER:
(signing stacks of papers, not looking up)
Just a moment, Kim.

YOUNG KIM:
But Father, look!

FATHER:
I said, just a moment.
(wait a few beats, finally looking up)
What is it, Kim?

YOUNG KIM:
Look, Father! I made a machine from my Erector set! Watch!
(setting the contraption on the desk)

The contraption is a crude mini-guillotine. KIM pulls a mouse from his pocket and slides it’s head under the blade before pulling on a lever. The mouse’s head rolls off and mouse blood sprays all over the papers FATHER has just signed.

YOUNG KIM:
Did you see! Did you see, Father?

FATHER:
Jesus Christ, Kim! I worked all morning signing those papers.
(striking YOUNG KIM with a hard slap)
Look what you’ve done! There is mouse blood everywhere! You’re a disappointment, boy.

YOUNG KIM:
(tears in his eyes)
But, Father. I thought …
(looking down, quietly)
I thought you’d like it. That’s all.

FATHER:
I hated it, Kim. I hated it. You’ve created a terrible, terrible thing. That’s it. You’re on THE LIST.

YOUNG KIM:
(pleading)
FATHER!!! NO!!!! Don’t put me on the list. I can’t stand being put on consequence-less lists

FATHER:
Well, there is one thing you can do.

YOUNG KIM:
Anything, I promise.

FATHER:
Take this death machine back to your playroom and dismantle it.

YOUNG KIM:
And then I’ll be off the list?

FATHER:
And then you’ll be off the list. And if you promise to never make another death machine ever again I will give you lots of candy and be your friend forever.

YOUNG KIM:
Wait a second, here. All I have to do is “promise”
(YOUNG KIM makes air-quotes)
and you’ll give me lots and lots of candy and be my friend forever with zero regard for all the shit I’ve pulled in the past?

FATHER:
Yup.

YOUNG KIM:
You got a deal, old man!

KIM grabs the severed mouse head, stuffs it in his pocket, and runs out of the room with his contraption.

(end flashback)

Sigh, memories.