As the premier athlete of my nation, some people ask me, “KJ, how do you keep yourself in such excellent shape, how do you train?” To which I respond: “these are excellent questions,” because they are. If you’ll remember, I spoke on this topic six or so months ago. But with the 2008 Summer Olympics fast approaching it’s definitely worth revisiting.
Why is this topic worth revisiting? You see, the fabulous People’s Republic and our retarded half-brother from the South end of the peninsula have agreed to issue joint cheering squads for this year’s festivities. This means that ALL Koreans will be cheering for ME as I compete in a wide array of events. Now, I know the next question on your minds, dear readers. Which events will KJ be participating in (i.e. winning) and how is he training for them? Well, without giving too much away, I will tell you:
Event: Javelin
Predicted Finish: Gold
Training method: Tossing lawn darts at physically handicapped and/or severely malnourished “volunteers”.
Event: Cycling
Predicted Finish: Gold
Training method: Spin class with Heidi, the phenotypically Nordic personal trainer I had kidnapped from the Equinox on 66th and Park (if she’s good enough for trophy wives, she’s good enough for me!)
Event: Summer biathalon
Predicted Finish: Double Gold (biathalon, get it?)
Training Method: Shooting things and working on my dirt skiing. But primarily shooting things. Shooting lots of things.
Event: High Jump
Predicted Finish: Gold
Training Method: Up in the air at the moment. Maybe steroids?
Event: Naked Polaroids
Predicted Finish: Do you even have to ask?
Training Method: As this is my strongest event I don’t mind dropping a helpful hint to my competitors: lighting is more important than you think.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go buy some sheepskin condoms. I hear the Athletes’ Village is one big, well-toned, sexfest. Beijing ‘08!