I’m totally an inspiration to young addicts. I’ve been in rehab for like a few weeks, and I’ve already completed my 12 steps. Yeah, yeah, they said rehab is an ongoing process, and you’re never really done with it, but you know what? I think that’s like living in the past. It’s best to pretend these things never happened. Like my relationship with Wilmer Valderrama. When my friends say his name around me I go, “Who? I totally don’t know who you’re talking about.”

Some people like to talk smack about their exes in the tabloids, but I think that’s really trashy. I mean what am I gonna say? That he has weird looking balls? That’s not me. I don’t do that. (But seriously, those are some weird balls. I’ve seen a lot of balls, and his are downright bizarre! They look like two charcoal briquettes). But I digest.

Where was I? Oh, yeah, I’m a role model for young addicts. I would tell you ladies out there to learn from my mistakes, but I’ve put those mistakes behind me. They don’t exist any more. I’m a new person. Clean slate. When I get out of here, I’m gonna start over. I just turned 21, and I’m born again.

I can’t wait to try my first beer and lose my new virginity.