OK, I think I may have gotten myself in a pickle here. It looks like I’ll be spending a lot of time in court pretty soon so I’m gonna need some kind of defense for my recent actions.
In case the judge dismisses my statement of innocence as incoherent and drug-induced, here are a couple of creative excuses:
Excuse #1:
I’m addicted to rehab. I have an obsession with twelve step programs. That Promises place was just like a gateway rehab center. I’m now ready to move on to more hardcore centers like Betty Ford. If you want to help me, then don’t send me back to rehab. I’m a mess! I’m feemin’ for a meeting. I’ll suck your dick for a trust fall!
Excuse #2: (If they want to send me to jail)
Oh, well I’m also addicted to drugs. You see, I did so many drugs to support my rehab addiction; I accidentally ended up becoming a drug addict, too. It’s like one of those catch 24’s. I guess you’ll have to let me go home, ha ha.
Excuse #3: (The Britney)
I’m researching a role where I play young Hollywood starlet who is addicted to drugs. I’m method actor, just like Marlon Berle! The movie is called the Lindsay Lohan story. I’m playing myself.
Excuse #4:
I just looooove drugs, muthafucka!!!!!
I appreciate any and all feedback. Oh, and go see my new movie called “I Know Who Killed Me.” I’m not sure what it’s about, I just showed up and said my lines. Let me know if it’s any good.