I've been in America a long time, and I know there's no law to stop the Red Sox from trading me to the Green Bay Packers.  Therefore, I am requesting such a trade.

But I am not done yet. Here are some other trades I recommend the Red Sox make:

1. David Ortiz to Dominican Republic for my favorite cousin, Omar: Sorry, David. But my cousin and I love to play parcheesi together, and he is being denied a Visa. Plus, you stole my hair-scrunchy for the last time.

2. Curt Schilling to Hell for Satan: Because Curt Schilling talks shit about me, and Satan is younger, quieter, and pitches more shutouts. 

3. Red Sox locker room to Harlem YMCA for their locker room:  Because they probably have less mildew, feces and stench of failure.

4. Red Sox owner John Henry to Russia for Vladamir Putin: Vladimir gets a job. John Henry is sent to the Gulag for stealing. Everyone wins!