I'm writing a book. About my Olympics. Sweet, right? Actually I wanted to write a steamy Civil War-era romance novel, chronicling the tale of a young woman torn between two lovers on opposite sides of the conflict, but my agent says stick to what I know ...

Some people are surprised that I could have enough to say about the Olympics for an entire book considering I run out of things to say to Bob after one interview question.

But doubt fuels me. Remember when those French assholes said they were going to smash us? Wait, forget that story because it probably will be half the book.

All you need to know is I'm gonna dominate the shit out of this book. What's the record for best book? I'll beat it by 2 whole seconds I swear to God.

Here's a brief chapter synopsis of the book:

Chapter 1: Struggle, what drives a champion? This will tell my courageous story about being a suburban kid in Baltimore. When all the other kids played soccer and basketball, I blazed a different path. One time in 3rd grade, I got an ear infection and some kids made fun of me.

Chapter 2: Getting in the pool. How do I feel about jumping in a cold pool? In the locker room, do I wrap a towel around me when I put on my suit? All these details will finally be answered!

Chapter 3: Leave it all in the pool. You know that famous chapter in Faulkner's As I Lay Dying that just contains the phrase "My mother is fish"? Well this groundbreaking chapter will just contain my favorite phrase: "I left it all in the pool."

Chapter 4: Sometimes when I swim I think about dinosaurs. How weird are dinosaurs? They were like these giant monsters and now they're all gone. I spend a lot of time in the pool, and in this chapter I'll tell you all the funny things I've ever thought about while swimming.

There will also be a motif of class stratification and status quo politics running throughout it.

You know what, I'm thinking that this might work better as a pop-out picture book ...