It’s finally here, folks. The dawn of a Huckabee nation is nigh! I’m surging like rabbits in heat. National polls now have me in second place, up from fifth just a month ago.
Now that I’m in the spotlight, I’ve actually had to come up with some stuff to say about issues like immigration, homeland security, and education—things that I truly know nothing about. I was also very disappointed to find absolutely nothing about water boarding or school vouchers in the Bible. Why do you think I hadn’t heard about the NIE report on Iran’s nuclear program? I’d been combing Leviticus for a solution to the sub-prime mortgage crisis since four in the morning!
Even more damaging to my campaign and emotional stability are the attacks on my character. At first, I was elated to be Newsweek’s cover story (“Holy Huckabee! The Unlikely Rise of Preacher Politician”)… but then I read the article.
So what if I pressured the Arkansas parole board to release a convicted rapist. I mean, the guy said he was sorry. His eyes said he meant it or that he really didn’t want to be in jail anymore. Besides, the man was castrated in police custody, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t try it again.
Now I wish that had been the worst of it, but I was much more offended by the article’s insinuation that I took heaps of money from Tobacco giant, R.J. Reynolds and then essentially stabbed the company in the back when I lost a hundred pounds and enacted a statewide ban on smoking in the workplace.
Nor did I appreciate the article’s portrayal of my wife as a skydiving, grenade launching, power hungry, potty-mouth. To be fair, that’s only an accurate description during the holidays. And the article is sprinkled with a host of unflattering and highly un-presidential photos of yours truly.
Honestly folks, I’m a nice man. But even God had his limits … Does anyone have a doughnut?