In, what was, you know, like totally predictable, I swept the Kids Choice Awards: Best Actress, Best Singer, Best Hair, Best Daddy, Best Wholesome Appearance Masking A Bratty Interior.

Your children are growing older; some day they will be adults, and I will be their Queen. Your daughters want to be like me. Your sons want to be with me. Your dog wants to be found in the street by me. I'm in this for the long haul. No teenage pregnancies for Miley. No oops I forgot my panties moments. No getting caught drinking two days after re-hab. Not even any re-hab.

I am going to stay, wholesome, sweet smiley Miley until the very sight of me makes you want to open fire at a pre-school dance recital. I am America's princess. You'll be praying for Britney's bare beaver in no time.