What a wondrous and awe-inspiring universe we live in. After reading data received from our Reconnaissance Orbiter spacecraft, NASA has learned that Mars was once the home to lakes and rivers of immense proportions. Which means Mars could have potentially supported microbes. Which means that the Martians almost definitely developed a specialized breed of sex slaves.

Ahh, to be a young Martian in those days. Just reading about the descriptions in the newspaper puts a shiver in this old spine. Have a look at this one, for example (the parentheticals are mine, though I’ve only added what is clearly implied):

“Water was once widespread on Mars… raising the prospect that the Red Planet could have supported life (and in particular, the Martian sex slaves, who were most gifted in the art of sweet lovemaking).”

Or have a gander at this next one:

They also discovered that wet conditions probably persisted for a long time on the Red Planet (and that during this time the sensuous sex slaves attended to every need of the Martian men. It is also now apparent that Morgan Freeman could have had any sex slave he desired, had he possessed the means to travel to Mars during this period in history.) 

Perhaps now those young ladies I stop on the street will stop looking at me like I'm crazy when I tell them about my high standing among the Martians and their sex slaves.