A mother was sentenced to twenty years behind bars for locking her seventeen-year-old adopted son in a CAGE and nearly STARVING him to death. Now, as a mother myself, I can understand the impluse to lock a son in a cage for a while: The crying, the talking, the UNCONTROLLABLE SEX DRIVE. And then there is the danger posed by the external world. (If I didn't have to worry about getting groped all the time, maybe I could have worn clothes to school like the rest of the girls in my grade, rather than a modified beekeeper's suit slathered with an anti-pheromonic jelly.)

But still, this mother went TOO FAR. The boy was found weighing only 49 pounds. I can lift 49 pounds with one hand! (I also found out I can lift the back end of a car with one hand after I went into a rage-fueled adrenaline rush when an unsuspecting woman got between me and my babies in a parking lot, but that's another story.) Clearly the abuse left a physical toll, but just imagine the emotional toll! He may look shattered on the outside, but his head is probably throbbing with angular metallic alterna-rock guitar riffs and embarrassing teenage lyrical cries for help.

Friends, we survived Smashing Pumpkins the first time. Can we really put ourselves through that mopey self-serious crap again?

Unfortunately, it's too late for this boy, he must be kept like a rat in a cage for a while, at least until we can be sure it's safe. If I could go back in time, I'd kill Hitler, convict OJ Simpson and smash the guitar little Billy Corgan's parents got him for his seventh birthday. THIS IS OUR CHANCE to make things RIGHT for FUTURE GENERATIONS of would-be alternative rock fans!

Jesus Christ don't you just want to punch that guy?