Hello, friends. You might want to check on your children right now because THEY ARE PROBABLY BEING RAPED, RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND. That's basically a guarantee. Be very quiet for a second and just listen. Can't hear anything? Oh good, then, that just means your children are being raped SILENTLY, probably won't be as bad.

I know what you're saying. You're the level-headed type, Nancy, why the sudden alarmism? Oh, you know, nothing major, just that the SUPREME COURT HAS MADE RAPING CHILDREN LEGAL, basically. Yup. Apparently it's unconstitutional to put CHILD RAPISTS to death, at least according to the five (alleged) child rapists on the Supreme Court who voted on the side of Louisiana child rapist Patrick Kennedy. WHO KNEW? I guess Washington and Jefferson were totally cool with KIDNAPPING beautiful little girls, TYING THEM UP, THROWING THEM IN THE BACK OF A VAN AND GRAG@$@!!$$@ADSHKCF.

I have never been MORE FURIOUS. When R Kelly got off last week, I punched a hole in the wall, which is even more impressive than it sounds because THE WALL WAS BRICK. The day Michael Jackson was acquitted, I foamed at the mouth, peed all over the rug and bit the mailman. After the OJ verdict? I blacked out and woke up a month and a half later upside-down in a trashcan in Portugal with clumps of my hair missing, my skin covered in tattoos in an alien alphabet and six inches taller than I was. And THAT. WAS. NOTHING.

Five of the nine people above ENDORSE child rape. I AM TOO ANGRY TO FIGURE OUT WHICH FIVE, so I'm just going to hate them all.