You all seem to think I am eluding your most advanced efforts. American military cannot find me. Pakistan military cannot find me. Morgan Spurlock cannot find me. You know who else has no stinking idea of where I am? ME!

This GPS that was given to me by Salim Ahmed Hamdan, my former driver and spiritual brother, Praise be Him, is a useless piece of shit. No wonder he never could deliver me anywhere on time! I follow the directions to the main Pakistan highway, I wind up in a lake. I do a search for ATM, it sends me to a Dunkin Donuts. Feh! Their munchkins are more dry than falafels.

Oh look, now it say my map is out of date and I must pay for new map. Your old map was no good! Why is new map going to be better? Screw this.