One day when you least expect it, you cannot find all that is most important to you. Your vegetarian pad thai. Your pre-baked chocolate croissants. Your artichoke tortellini. Today is that day. The reason?

Crisis: Warehouse Fire Obliterates Trader Joe's Frozen Foods Section

You have finally pushed me too far. Pizza with goat cheese and caramelized onions? It is abomination in His eyes. Allah disdains your eggplant cutlets. You prophetless orgiastic consumers will stop at nothing to horde high-quality specialty groceries at surprisingly reasonable prices!

But no more.*

It is easy to point fingers and assign blame. You can say I masterminded the inferno that has consumed your cartons of insanely rich macaroni and cheese. You can say I sent detailed plans to my domestic sleeper cell with drawings of matchbooks and tissue paper.

And yet you are innocent? Helpess victims with an insatiable demand for frozen edamame? Who even likes that stuff?

Let me tell to you that one good thing has come from this. You know now what I am capable of. Remember this. Also, please send wasabi cashews and freeze-dried mangosteens.

*Until later this week when stocks are expected to be restored. But I've made my point.