Can you be sassy and ominous at the same time? Can you write in a style that is both educational and enjoyable? Do you ooze talent? If you answered yes to my questions, you may be a perfect candidate to ghostwrite my memoir!

This book will address the struggles I sometimes face as the leader of a global jihad who has been forced to plot the demise of the West while moving from cave to cave. I don’t have a title yet, but I’m thinking something along the lines of “My Struggles.” I may also include some discussion of the atrocities being meted out to the Muslim world in contemporary times by the Western world, or I may keep politics out of it; haven’t decided yet.

My ghostwriter must be a man of Middle Eastern background who possesses ability to write in prose that is lively, fun, and entertaining; think David Sedaris, minus the homosexual, white infidel stuff.

If you are the man for the job, please submit a résumé and a 300 word response to one of the following questions (hint: be creative!):

• Can men prolong sex by thinking about baseball?
• How much wood can a woodchuck chuck?
• Compensation: Cannot pay, but college credit may be available.

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Please, no phone calls about this job!