This new year is not even two weeks old and already it smells like a very bad one for you.

• You have lost your job because of collapse in Western capitalism.
• You have lost your wife because you have lost your job. She only want your money, not your hairy ass.
• You have lost the hair on your ass because of malnutrition. No wife means no hot meals.

So what to do? I'll tell you what to do - JOIN AL QAEDA! When you join Al Qaeda, you enjoy the best perks of any insurgent group in whole world.

Al Qaeda will not say to you, "We will let you know" and then never return your call. Al Qaeda will not pass you over because you have "too much experience". Al Qaeda will not toss your resume because you have "too little experience".

With generous retirement planning and the best dental plan in all of tribal Pakistan, you finally have a reason to live. Do not kill yourself (yet) -- Join Al Qaeda!