Ever since I told everyone that I want get pregnant by next year, I’ve been getting a lot of really nice fan mail! Letters like this:

Hey Paris,
I hear you wanna get knocked up. Do you need a baby daddy? I’m 15 and I’ve never needed braces. So, like, our kid would have really nice teeth.
-Micheal
P.S. You could video tape us doing it if you want. I wouldn’t mind.

That’s sweet Micheal, but I can’t just pick my child’s father at random. This is probably one of the most important decisions I’ll ever make. And there’s so much I still don’t know about you. What kind of conglomerate does your family own? What are your feelings on leopard print bikinis for the 2-month-old set? How long is your tongue?

Micheal, why don’t you answer these questions and get back to me. But just so you know, you’re on a long list full of Greek oil heirs, ex-boy band members, and guys I might run into at a night club.