You say you’re supposed to be nice to the Episcopalians and the Presbyterians and the Methodists and this, that, and the other thing. Nonsense. I don’t have to be nice to the spirit of the Antichrist. I can love the people who hold false opinions but I don’t have to be nice to them.
– Pat Robertson, The 700 Club television program, January 14, 1991
Ah, you know—there’s not much that I dislike about me from seventeen years ago. That salt and pepper hair, the general swagger, the spot on logic. But I admit, time brings change, and here in 2008, I find myself needing to alter my beliefs just a bit to be consonant with contemporary views. So, accordingly, I’ve adopted a new value-chart, meant to bring myself up to date and allow the reader to more fully understand my doctrine.
Presbyterians, Episcopalians, you’re still the antichrist, but, and this is a big but, your position on the value chart has been modified. You are now right above Robotic Lesbian Communists Eating a Dead Baby, and Garbage-Looked-at-by-a-Gay-Guy, but still lagging behind Gay-Centaurs-Who’ve- Considered-Suicide. I congratulate you and welcome you to your new level of disdain.
Moving on. I am proud to announce that Hindus and Islamic terrorists and anybody from a country I’ve barely heard of, you are all demoted. Sorry, but it’s been a rocky last couple of years. So, we’ll say Middle-Eastern Trash, just to encompass my aim, you are now below that Kid at the Build a Bear Who Told Me I Can’t Put “Gay Menace” On a Bear for Gordon. Middle Easter Trash, you are, let’s see, worse than him but still just slightly better than Alf who is unquestionably a transvestite hippy.
Finally, we move to Most Likely to Ascend the Ranks. Gay men in san Francisco have made some headway, what with allowing themselves to be eaten alive by bacteria. Whoa, hold your homo-horses there gay guys, not so fast. You’re still scum to me, we’ll see what 08 brings.
Also, snap bracelets, which were closing in on the COMPLETE EVIL category back in the nineties, is now no longer relevant–those pants that say, “Bitchy” or “Sass Machine” on the rears have replaced you.
I wish all of you the best in 08, and though I don’t have to like you, I will be monitoring your worth closely.