If you were to ask, “Hey Pat, what’s the greatest threat to our national security and sanctity?” I would undoubtedly respond, “Why, a giant raincloud full of gay arabs.” But if you were to ask me what the second greatest threat is, I would have to say, with grave certainty: Lunchables.

We’ve all had a Lunchable in our day. We’ve all enjoyed the combination of some type of embalmed ham with desiccated crackers (I like to pretend my cracker is a Eucharist and that the ham is one of our Lord’s nipples, excised from His body to quell the spiritual and appetitive fires of the soul). But recently, I have reconsidered my stance on the product. And, following a strictly inferential series of logically tested suppositions, I am now unequivocally convinced of the horrid damnation consequent to eating a Lunchable.

For you see, Lunchables facilitate the lifestyle of seditious Communist Lesbians. That’s right, aside from passively telling your kid you don’t love them, Lunchables are favored by Communist Lesbians because of the ease of the product and the time it frees up for concocting devious plans against America. While Little Timmy is at school, kicking his little enfeebled legs underneath the lunchtable, munching on a “Pizza Treatza” his mom is at home, stroking her moustache writing a “Piece-a-Treatise-Against-American-Morality” and no, there will be no M & M cookie with that little treat.

Lunchables, like asthma inhalers and surgery, are easy solutions. Each package comes with a little piece of paper, containing wordsearches and crossword puzzles and other games—all of them using Communistic phrases to propel the message. Why, just the other day, I noticed the answer to my rebus was, “Workers of the U.S. unite.” Then, in absolute dismay, I bit into my cracker and, aside from a flurry of stale crumbs, there was a note inside that read out a spell to invoke the lesbian demigod, “Fisticus”.

Either that or it read out the nutritional content, I didn’t have my glasses on.