Hey look, Eli admits I’m a great actor.

You know, I kinda like that kid when he’s not being a Super Bowl quarterback.

But the Homo-Hammy editors at NewsGroper.com have asked that, instead of firebombing the nation (and Tom Brady) with a Nuclear Fart before the Super Bowl, I act as a reporter for them for the rest of Super Bowl Week. OK. I can do that.

Here’s something the reporters didn’t get out of Eli on Super Bowl Media Day: When he was a littler snot than he is now, he had the hots for Britney Spears:

All the proof needed

The little perv would put on that video when Britney was skinny and wearing a hooker skirt in school hallways, and the kid would lick the television. Sometimes when Momma wanted the TV dusted, she would put on that video and call Eli into the room.

Well, you can imagine my concern when I was at a Super Bowl Party last night, and across the room I caught sight of Tom Brady introducing Eli to this sexy white-trash chick … and I realized it was Britney. I hurried over. Britney was saying “y’all” this and “y’all” that, which is Eli’s weakness.

I said, “What do you think you’re trying to pull, Brady? Trying to distract the kid before the big game? Hoping he pulls a Romo? Hoping he loses the big game so you can go undefeated and claim your spot as the best quarterback of this generation?”

Brady said, in that stupid, stoned Jim Morrison voice he’s got, with Gisele humping his leg, “Hey, man, Peyton. Good to see you, dude. Have a joint.”

I was like, “Eli, get away from that crazy chick. She’ll poop out your babies and leave them with you, and that’s after you lose the Super Bowl to this terd.”

Morrison, I mean Brady, laughed and closed his eyes and said, “Whatever, dude … Eli, you gonna listen to your big brother your whole life? Do what you want, dude. Just fuck that Britney chick, dude. This is the Super Bowl. Peyton ain’t in the Super Bowl.”

Just then, security showed up and took me away. (I didn’t have an invitation to the party.) I sure hope Eli made the right decision about Britney Spears.

This is Peyton Manning, reporting for NewsGroper.com.