Listen, I don’t care if people ask questions from their internet tubes or from their inner-tubes, I’m not afraid to answer them. My opponents seem scared of being caught off-guard by a tough or uncomfortable question. Do you think William McKinley was scared of being asked tough questions about the gold standard, as he smoked a corn cob pipe on his front porch? No, he answered every question, even my question about those imperialist Spaniard conquistadors. Trying to take our sugarcane.

Anyway, just to prove how easy it is to respond to these video questions submitted on-the-line, I will answer a few of them right now via interweb connection. Martha, be a dear and roll the tape.

Karl, I would have to choose a third option besides bullets and food: nothing. As president, we would have no relationship with the outside world — not the Ottomans, not the Prussians, not even the Gauls. Every five years we will send a small team of explorers to the Asian lands to buy spices and myrrh, but that’s it.

Lower the budget? During my presidency we wouldn’t even have a budget. Maybe during an emergency we could barter using sodie-pop or licorice candy, or horseshoes.

I’m afraid this girl my be stricken with the Mania, but I will answer regardless. If I had to pick someone from another party for president I would choose my good friend John Parker Hale of the Free Soil Party, not only for his convictions but also for his wife’s delicious rhubarb marmalade.

The power of state governments has to be restored. As president I would allow each state, territory, and Indian nation to coin its own money and hire its own locomotive conductors. Of course, we would have to change the Constitution, but we’ve done it fifteen times before, and we can do it again.