It’s true, I spent the weekend enjoying one of my favorite activities, NASSCART! I love the NASSCART. Always have. People don’t know that car racing is very popular in New York, where I am from. But it is!

Sadly, I have not been able to enjoy my beloved car race matches as much as I would like because reminding the country that I saved it takes up a lot of time. I needed a little refresher before the weekend, so I reached for my copy of The Northern-Sell-Out-Redneck-Poser’s Fan Guide to Motorsports. But Judy had thrown it out the campaign bus window after I let one of her calls go to voicemail while I was on the toilet. Sorry again, Judy!

Luckily, one of my advisers had a copy of The Female Fan Guide to Motorsports. And since I’m very in touch with my cross-dressing/fake boobs side, it was just as helpful. Here are a few things the Female Fan Guide helped me re-remember about my favorite sport:

• The cars will go fast. And go many, many times around and around.
• Dale Jr. is hot!
• The Confederate Flag is hot!
• A complete set of teeth is for fancy pussy-types. So are shirts.
• Don’t talk to your boyfriend when he is watching NASSCART. If you do, you’ll get what’s coming to you.
• People from New York are gay.

So thanks Female Fan Guide for helping me have such a great weekend. Can’t wait for the next NASSCART game, y’all!