There's a lot of bullshit that pisses Sam Jack off. I get pissed off the way most motherfuckers sneeze or scratch their ass or vote Republican. I get pissed off the way motherfuckers enjoy the smell of their own disgusting got-damn farts. It's a predilection of mine that I never expect but tend to revel in when it happens. And right now I'm got-damn pissed off at young men who don't know how to do a flaming got-damn shot of alcohol.

There ain't no telling why this is pissing me off. But a quick search on youtube sure as got-damn shit proves that this is a worthy motherfucking pissed-offness in need of some Sam Jack attention.

Don't believe me? Take a look at this shit:

All those motherfuckers are pretty got-damn stupid, and prove my personal fucking theory that when you get any male between the ages of 13 and 45 around a motherfucking camera, it can only lead to some stupid shit (and I think it should be made a law: No male under the age of 50 allowed within 20 got-damn feet of a video camera unless he's doing porn or an independent film). But you ain't seen nothing til you've seen this got-damn masterpiece of flaming-shot-gone-wrong. Watch this, then allow me to break the video down for you because... got-damn, this is a flaming shot video of such epic proportions it'd make Homer get his motherfucking eyesight back:

First off, these motherfuckers manage to pack more into thirty got-damn seconds than James fucking Cameron packed into all three got-damn hours of that Titanic bullshit. Here you got a pussy-ass sounding narrator give some tension ("I can't believe so-and-fucking-so is gonna do a flaaaaaaaaaming shot!"), some foreshadowing ("Don't burn it on me!") and some obstacles ("I'll fucking kill you!"). Then you got some action. Motherfucker does his flaming shot, sets a table on fire, and (comic relief) ends up buring a fat guy's pants. Things go from zero to shit in less time than it takes to pick your got-damn nose.

But that ain't all. Turns out, motherfuckers doing flaming shots the most dumbass way they can is a trend. Take this stupid-ass motherfucker who flames his face up like a got-damn gay pride parade:

It's simple, you fucking morons: alcohol is flammable. Blow that shit out, because you might look cool as hell with a fireball shooting out your got-damn mouth, but the cool factor is totally got-damn undermined by the way your earlobes turn into a Jeffrey Dahmer flambe. Look how the shit is really done:

You do that shit right and it's so hot Virgil's giving tours of it. You do that shit wrong, and you look like the biggest moron this side of GWB.