I ain’t one who looks at porn. It ain’t cause I’m a prudish motherfucker or nothing. It’s cause I got me a great got-damn wife.

(Love you Baby. You the only reason I Sam Jack it. Smooches!)

I might do a lot of dumbass shit in my trailer when I'm off on location, but one thing I ain’t doing is spanking the little Sam Jack to some hot-ass porn streaming on the internet. Why'd I want to do that when I got the best motherfucking woman in the world back home?

So imagine my total motherfucking surprise when I typed “digital camera self-pic thong” into my Google image search, and the below picture popped up. I mean, shit, man, all I wanted was to find my fine-ass wife a sexy thong and a digital camera--I had no got-damn idea that I’d be presented with this:

First of all, how’d that bitch write backwards on her own ass? That’s all I’m curious about, since I’m a married got-damn man. What kind of talent does it take to not only write on your got-damn ass, but to write that shit backwards so its readable when you stand all naked bent-over and shit in front of a motherfucking mirror to take a picture of your ass-writing self?

And who the hell gets turned on by ass-writing anyways? I am sure there's some kinky-ass lexicographers out there who get all hard and shit over a curly q and a heart-dotted i, but do they like it when some chick writes 'bum' on her bum in red lipstick, then presents herself like a firmed-and-thonged babboon?

Anyway, if you got any got-damn thoughts on why this picture exists, I’d be pretty happy to hear them. And if you the bitch posing in this picture, email me. I got a few questions I'd like to put to you hard and long.

Meanwhile, I got some more shopping to do for my wife.