As I am sure you earthlings all know, Shaq is a seven foot one inch, 335 pound alloy blend of 35% muscle and 65% patriotism. I stand for the American people, by the American people. The government even gives Shaq guns to protect against villains. And now, just like the real America, I have discovered that Shaq is up against his own axis of evil: LeBron James, Yao Ming, and the People’s Republic of China.

It all started this morning, when Shaq ordered one of his minions to surf him the Yahoo. What this servant found was a new petition entitled “Bring the Olympic Dream to Darfur.” When I heard this, Shaq thought, “Shaq ain’t playing no damn Olympics in no damn Darfur.” The last thing The Diesel needs is to get his arm blown off by a rocket propelled grenade while posting up against Lithuania.

Then Shaq saw the name of the author of the petition, and let out a sigh of relief. Unfortunately, this sigh later became known to you earthlings as Tropical Storm Barry. Yet, I thanked the Lord and Savior that the petition was written by one of my elderly Jewish fans from the Greater Miami area, Ira Newble, rendering the idea inconsequential.

Then Shaq remembered February 25, 2007, when he dropped 19 points, 11 rebounds and a block on Ira Newble’s sorry ass — and realized that this man wasn’t a foolish elderly Hebrew at all, but rather a six-foot-seven dreadlocked shooting guard for the Cleveland Cavaliers. This meant that the petition was real, and Shaq ordered his minister of information to investigate further.

The petition was sent to the king of China, demanding that he stop supporting the genocide in Sudan. Apparently, the petition was signed by all of the Cavaliers, except for my worthy opponent LeBron James.

I know why Yao Ming has it out for Shaq. Maybe it was a little over the top to say “tell Yao Ming ching-chong-yang-wah-ah-so.” The People’s Republic of China, too, has their motives for seeking my destruction. For starters, Shaq led the Dream Team of the 1996 Summer Olympics to gold by obliterating the Chinese national team. Also, it is a well known fact that to create my size 23 shoes, eighteen rubber trees must be cut down, three assembly lines must be completely diverted, and four to five Chinese factory workers normally die in the month-long process.

But why would LeBron James team up with this evil empire of noodles and fortune cookies? Some say it’s because of money: LeBron’s shoes are made and sold in China, so he can’t say anything bad about Chinamen. Shaq says this theory is bullshit. The Chinese don’t buy sneakers. Their feet are too small. It’s proven by science. LeBron must have a more dubious mission.

What this means, of course, is that LeBron, Yao, and China have plans to take down the biggest goal on the horizon, the mighty Shaq. Their plan is to form a new NBA franchise consisting of LeBron, Yao, and a billion Chinese. The billion Chinese people will hang on Shaq’s arms, attempting to weigh him down as LeBron drives to the hoop. The franchise will probably be named something like “The Dragons,” “The Asian Tigers,” or “The Squinty Shaq Slayers.” All I can say to you, LeBron, is that this coalition is doomed to fail.

Number one, you are not taking into account D Wade and Pat Riley’s triangle offense. Number two, you are not taking into account the American military. After all, Shaq is friends with President Bush. Theorists also believe that Pat Riley is the next Donald Rumsfeld. Last, but not least, Shaq is classified as an alien. His strength is derived from the tears of cowards and mortals. Therefore he cannot be stopped by the weight of one billion Chinese people on his arms.