A week ago, I was heartened by the support of 37 million of the 128 million citizens of Japan. Now, four million supporters less and five Suntory Premium Malt Whiskeys later, a lightning bolt named clarity has jolted me from my naivety. You all think I’m ugly, don’t you? DON’T YOU? You all wish Koizumi, with his charming good looks, demure smile, and wavy looking hair was still the prime minister. It’s not just you. Everybody feels like this way. Look at all the fun he had with George Bush:
Georgie never takes me anywhere nice! I take that back. Once he took me to a fine place called Texas Roadhouse. At the end of the meal, he grinned and said, “How ’bout I give that waiter boy a Japan-style tip?” But still, he never smiles at me like he did with Koizumi. Like what I do is never good enough.
Well, I’ll tell you what. Junichiro Koizumi isn’t all that. He’s actually a loser. One time I asked him who does his hair, and you know what he tells me? He smirks and he says, “Just keep with the bowl cut, son. It suits you.” When commoners mention my bowl cut, I put them in their place by telling them I use a priceless Jomon-era bowl, then give them a few moments of silence to wallow in their shame. I need to show him that he’s ugly and I’m hot. Then my approval rating will soar for sure. I’ve got an idea. Wait up, let me refresh this drink …
Ok, I just put my picture on this site Dick Cheney showed me. I also set up an account for Koizumi using the best picture of him I could find. This will settle once and for all that people all over appreciate my classic and dependable good looks over Junichiro’s devil-may-care rapscallionism. The early polls are in, and I’ve got a 4.2 to 3.9 lead. Not bad, but the public needs to see more of me to truly appreciate my unique assets. I’m going to put on my swimming trunks and take a webcam pic …
