Did you see my erection in the newspaper? I hope not. I must admit, things didn’t turn out at as well as I had hoped. I got caught up in the excitement of the American erections. American erections are so long compared to our erections here in Japan. I did learn my lesson, though: If you don’t pay attention to a Japanese erection, it will come back and bite you in the ass. I learned that painful lesson the hard way.
Now a horde of traitors and turncoats are calling for me to resign. So you know what? I’ll do just that. Yes, I’ll resign myself to the fact that I am the leader of a country with a growing number of pathetic ingrates who are too foolish to comprehend competent leadership of epic proportions.
I’ll resign myself to the fact that this pristine country, with its deep cultural history and unrivaled beauty, is filled to the brim with lowlifes tainting its purity with every step they take. Lastly, I will resign myself to the fact that not a single person will ever be born with the rare combination of intelligence, athleticism, and guile that I possess, therefore it is my duty to never relieve myself of duty. There you go traitors, resignations tendered.
