By now, you've heard lots of complaining from Bear Stearns employees about how the buyout by JPMorgan doesn't value their stock enough and how they've worked there for so long and boo hoo hoo. Listen, this is capitalism people. Why would JPMorgan value your stock at a fraction of its trading price? Because they can. Why pay a fair price when you can buy something at barely legal prices with the government's help?

Bear Stearns employees should have seen the opaque handwriting on the wall and gotten out of there when the getting was good. There's no such thing as job security in this world. If Enron didn't teach you that, there's no help for you.

But this is no time to pooh-pooh capitalism. My advice to you: start your own buyout firm. It worked for me. They're going to name part of the New York Public Library after me, thanks to the cool $100 million I slid their way the other week. I've got my eyes on other great landmarks as well. You may be making your final commute back to your soon-to-be-foreclosed-on home through Grand Schwarzman Terminal.