When I was in the fourth grade, my class went on a field trip to see the Liberty Bell and Independence Hall. I had a choice seat on the bus to downtown Philadelphia, right next to Kiernan Conroy, the cutest redhead in all of Abington.

Just as I was about to impress her with my intellect and suaveness, my mother arrived with my box lunch, which I had forgotten to bring with me that morning. I had to go to the front of the bus to get my lunch (and take a brief scolding from my mother), and when I returned to my seat, who but the detestable Jason Howard was in my seat.

“That’s my seat,” I told him.

“Is your name on it?” he asked, knowing full well that my name had not yet been engraved on the seat.

I never got to impress Kiernan Conroy with my suave intelligence. If only my name had been engraved. But it won’t happen again, at least not at the building formerly known as the New York Public Library. This historic building is now Steve Central. The Stephen A. Schwarzman Library is still open to the general public, at least most of the year. 

It may have cost me $100 million, but it will be worth it to have the run of such a nice-looking, centrally located place. Now that my name is on the place, the formerly public library is going to look a lot more like the house that Steve built. Those lions out front ought to be bigger, coated in gold, and holding banners that read ‘Blackstone Group.’ Certainly my gift entitles me to that. I think the place can use fewer books, and more exclusive lounges and executive suites.