To honor my contribution of $100 million to the Schwarzman Library (formerly the New York Public Library), a modest celebratory dinner was held for me.

It was an excellent evening worthy of all things Blackstone. Fresh lobster was served from a bowl of butter balanced on Gary Coleman’s head. I ate my favorite fresh crab claw sandwiches off of a naked Natalie Portman (she had a lot of overdue books). The Eagles played an exclusive concert from me, and my wife got to use Joe Walsh as a footrest during dinner.

With all of the rotten things going on in the economy today, I was feeling down. This dinner really helped lift my spirits, especially when someone told me that bloated gasbag Henry Kravis was seen dining at Nobu. They have fresher fish at Arthur Teacher’s (so I’m told).

Now I’m sure that a lot of people—hardcore number crunchers and other kibitzers—will make a lot of hay over the cost of this dinner. To them I say: be forward looking and think of the long-term results of this dinner. This dinner will encourage more people do donate to the Schwarzman Library.

My donation will allow people of my caliber to visit this historic building in the comfort we are accustomed. What this celebratory party will do is encourage others to donate, so that the library can have money for things like books and furniture for the common people.