On Monday, a jury convicted me on seven felony counts of fraud and making false statements.  The whole thing has been one big misunderstanding from the get go.

I was signing off on a bunch of congressional bills that would help poor people, give food to underprivileged children, and provide first aid to injured kittens, when someone must have slipped a $250,000 check in the mix.  I accidentally endorsed it, cashed it, and spent the money on fishing boat (well to be technical, it was an anti-overfishing boat to patrol fishermen who surpass their quotas. I like to do that in my spare time. We all have our quirky hobbies!)

Shortly after I accidentally took that money, I was helping an old, crippled nun cross the street when the Alaskan feds came and ripped me off the street to take me to prison to await my court date.

While in prison, the police raided my house and confiscated dozens of "unreported gifts."  If they had bothered to ask me, they would have learned that these items were going to be donated to the baby cancer ward at the local orphan hospital.

The prosecutors in my case love to paint me as a bad person.  They portray me as a liar and a thief.  But like Jesus said in the Bible, “When one accidentally doth take vast sums of money, turn the other cheek, and also find him not guilty.”  Jesus understands my plight.  And I think regular Alaskans understand as well. And Jesus will probably punish those prosecutors by lightning strikes or waterboarding.

Now everyone knows the truth.  So re-elect me for Alaska Senate.  Vote Stevens ’08!