Dear Victoria,

Katie has subconsciously insinuated that she would like me to terminate your friendship on her behalf. Now, understand that I think you’re great! If it were up to me, you and Katie would be going out and splitting baby portions of seaweed juice and frozen grape shavings to your hearts content.

Nevertheless, Katie has decided that this has become an unhealthy relationship, that you are diluting her beingness and that you may in fact be a Potential Trouble Source. Of course, if you ask her Katie won’t admit to having said any of this – she might even make one of her jokes about how “she’s terrified of me” and that I’m “always putting words in her mouth” and so on, hahaha! Hahahahahaaaaaa!!

Katie can be very funny, but her true being is clear to me. I can tell by subtle changes in her behavior and body language that she is afraid you are going to make her scary skinny, like Amy Winehouse. She’s also concerned that her breath might constantly reek of seaweed.

I will thank you to please respect Katie’s subconscious wishes. I hope this doesn’t affect our friendship.

Sincerely,

Tom