Sometimes people think they know what’s best for you, okay? They think they know, but they don’t know, and these types of people… they try to give me their advice all the time. But here’s the thing: I create advice. I am advice. And you can’t give advice to advice; that’s a fact, it’s science.

George Clooney calls me the other night and he says “Tom, you need to learn to laugh at yourself, and I don’t mean that creepy shit you do in front of the mirror.” He thinks I need to show my sense of humor, and he suggested using my News Groper blog to make fun of myself. More advice!

Even if I were going to listen to Clooney, there’s nothing about me that I could make fun of. I checked. And it’s not that I’m not self-aware – I’m self-aware. I’m so self-aware that sometimes I am all that I’m aware of. Sometimes I’ll look at something, anything - like yesterday it was an old lady eating a burrito – and all I can see is myself. I see me, and then there’s a bunch of different versions of me: me acting, me being a family man, me and God playing guitar on the sun, and so on for infinity.

So I'm sorry George, but if there's something funny about me, I'm just not seeing it.