I’ve just learned that the US missile shield will effectively be able to neutralize any Russian nuclear attack by the year 2012. We won’t be able to shoot one single nuclear bomb at the US. Come on guys! That’s not really fair.

You'll be able to blow us up, but we won't be able to blow you up. The whole cool relationship between the US and Russia has been that we were both capable of blowing each other up at any given moment. Without that, we really don’t have that special bond.

I called President Bush and told him that we needed to talk about this. He answered the phone, ignored the subject I had brought up and said, “You know Vlad, they might elect a blackie to be president after me.”

“About the missile shield,” I said, trying to refocus the conversation. But Bush had already handed the phone off to a staff member, and I could hear him shouting in the background screaming about how he was going to punch his butler in the breadbasket if he didn't shave that fancy mustache off his face. I asked the staff member to get Bush back on the phone, but  there was a wrestling sound, and the phone cut off. 

I implore America to re-think this missile shield. At least let us get one or two nuclear bombs off. We’ll even let you pick the locations. Wyoming and Montana. You’ll have zero casualties, but it will still allow Russia to keep its murderous reputation. Let's keep the hope of nuclear holocaust alive, people! 

-- Putin out!