I was at a convention this weekend. Good people. During my Q&A, which went on longer than scheduled, an ardent fan stood up and proclaimed, "William Shatner is the greatest thing since sliced bread". And I thought, "since?"

I know bread and I have a lot in common. We're both staples of American life. But it's not even a contest. I give you five reasons why Bill Shatner is better than sliced bread:

1. I directed myself. The day bread can slice itself plus emote like I can, it should call my agent.

2. I know Adrian Zmed. If sliced bread ever met Adrian it would be a brief friendship. Mostly because Adrian loves a good sandwich.

3. Better conversation. Did you know I performed the first interracial kiss on television? Fascinating. What about you, bread? What's that? I can't hear you if you don't speak up, bread. I'm kidding, of course. Point goes to the Shat-man.

4. I do my own stunts. In a fair fight, I could take bread two out of three throws.

5. Once, on an episode of "Barnaby Jones", I ate bread. Case closed.