As you may have heard, I have proposed a compromise - a partial ban on cluster bombs - to appease the bloodthirsties (Russia, China, and the US of A) and the hippies (the rest of the world). What exactly is a partial ban? I’m glad you asked. Here is my 5 point partial ban to keep the world partially safe:
1. No cluster bombs on Fridays - Honestly, can you think of a worse way to start off your weekend? You come home after a week of busting your ass for the man at the factory, looking forward to taking your wife to one of your many private resort homes, and then BAM! Cluster bomb! Suddenly your wife is dead and your weekend plans ruined.
2. Absolutely no cluster bombs at pool parties - My wife and I attended my friend Hiroshi’s pool party in August, and things were going great. Great tunes, getting my buns toasted on the patio chair, sunny skies, bikini-clad women, and then it happened: No, not a cluster bomb, but one of the kids lost his retainer in the pool. It was one of those plastic clear ones that’s really hard to see. They cleared out the pool and all of the sudden, little ankle biters were running all over the place, screaming and knocking my drinks over. If a dental fixture causes so much pandemonium at a pool party, what would a cluster bomb do? I shudder to think…
3. Cluster bombs are only legal if used by the United States or forces supporting the U.S. - I don’t exactly remember why this one was important, but Dick Cheney explained it to me on the phone last night and he was very convincing.
4. Cluster bombs prohibited in cemetaries - I mean seriously, bombing the dead? That’s just low. They’re already dead for Pete’s sake, you don’t have to rub it in. Show a little class and stick to bombing the living.
5. Ban on all drab-looking bombs - It’s well known that we love cute things here in Japan, and why should bombs be any different? If you are about to be blown to a bloody pulp, which would you rather see, an ugly metal bomb or a cute sparkle-eyed character in pastel? If we’re sending people to their bloody and painful deaths, the least we could do is send them out with a good impression of their time on Earth. It’s only proper.
So, there it is. Some call me a dreamer. They can’t imagine a world without drab foreign cluster bombs raining down at pool parties in the local graveyard on Fridays. But if you’ll just dream with me, we can make this a reality. Together, we can make such violent activities illegal, giving verbal warnings to first time offenders and community service for repeat offenders.
Give your children a chance to grow up in partial peace. Support my partial ban.