OK, I’m ready to admit it. I wrote "Umbrella" when it was raining outside. When I sat down, I was going to write a song about this girl whose boyfriend was two-timing, but then I saw someone walk by holding an umbrella and I thought: “Hey, this hasn’t been done before.”

And the thing is, I’ve never really been an umbrella person. What’s so terrible about getting a little water on you anyway? It’s hardly ever acid rain.

I didn’t realize what fire I was playing with. Everything I ever do will be overshadowed by this umbrella crap.

Just think how different my life would have been if I sung about raincoats or ponchos? Actually it probably wouldn’t be much different. Instead of jackasses giving me umbrellas like they were the first person to think of that, they’d be giving me ponchos. Ponchos are gay.

And now I know all these useless rain-related crap because my fans think I care. Did you know American dandies in the 19^th century called them bumbershoots?  Why do I know that? No one should know that.

I have other songs too you know. And except for one about jet streams, none are related to weather patterns. I've got a number one jam on the radio now called "Take A Bow" which is a coming of age story about a girl who realizes her boyfriend is two-timing. Then there's a great one called "My Name is Rihanna" That one is kind of self-explanatory I guess. Why can't either of those be my legacy song?

Did you know I have to hide when it rains so no one makes a stupid comment about how I should sing my song?

Life is cruel.