Now I’ve delivered 20,000 babies in my lifetime. Or is that how many women I’ve slept with? No, wait, that’s how many women Wilt Chamberlain slept with. Listen, the point here everybody is that all the children I liberated from their mothers’ vaginas grew up in a sovereign United States, and the next few thousand I deliver are going to grow up in a nation without borders, controlled by the UN, the IRS, and the North American Union. You haven’t heard about the North American Union? It’s happening right now! Right fucking now!

Mexico, the United States and Canada will fuse into a single entity, a three-header monster of unchecked government intrusion. Listen to me people! There will be no more United States! Mexico and Canada will vote in our elections. Our taxes will go to fund their cockfights and hockey matches, respectively. Mexico will want to make Spanish a national language. Canada will want to go on some peacekeeping mission in the Balkans or Africa or something.

I think the whole world remembers where they were when the Hindenbergh went down. I sure as heck do. I was dipping a newborn into a barrel of vinegar. That’s how we used to stave off the Spanish Flu. Never trust aerospace, I remember saying when I heard the terrible news.

Now it looks like my loyal supporters have raised $350,000 to send me up in a campaign blimp. Now if only they could shrink the blimp, I could fly directly into the ears of the American people to broadcast my speeches and YouTubes.

Please watch the Mini Ron Paul Blimp video:

My advisers tell me there’s a debate coming up where we answer questions from electronic video recordings, which may or may not be asked by snowmen. They could probably tell from my blank stare that I had no idea what YouTube or the internet was, so they want me to do some practicing before the big match. Gladys, grab a pen and an ink well and take down my answers for me, dear.

Thank you for your question. Young people today should know about the mortal dangers of mixing hazardous drugs. You have to abuse those drugs separately, people! Especially if you’re pregnant! I’ve delivered too many babies who looked like Ernest Borgnine. But this is nothing new. Now I might look like a square but I’ve done my share of experimenting: combining sarsaparilla with black licorice, driving under the influence of corn on the cob, pickling things god never intended us to pickle — I’ve done it all, brother. But I’ve learned the hard way from the error of my ways and I will bring that knowledge with me to the White House, along with my supply of pickled ox tongue.

After pressing for months to get his endorsement, it disappointed me immensely today to see that Sir Charles Norris, renowned fighter of Orientals and seven-time Champion of The Internet, has endorsed my competitor Mike Huckabee for president.

Many are saying this is a major threat to my campaign. The Internet has, up to this point, supported my candidacy with all of the brute power of its comment sections, message boards, popularity polls, pornography, and lolcats.

But the Internet has already made its choice in this election. I do not understand much about the Internet or why it has decided to put its mystical power behind me, but I will tell Norris this: if there is one thing I know about The Internet, it’s that it never changes its mind.

I’ve been hounded by the media lately over something in my personal life that they say I haven’t made clear enough to the public. I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about, because I’ve made it crystal clear.

Yep, here it is, right here in my campaign pamphlet:

I have made it no secret to the voters that I am what is called an “extra-competent” or “bipolar” Congressman. Not only am I serving my tenth year in the House as Congressman Ron Paul, but as my alter ego, Dr. Ron Paul, I have reached inside the wombs of thousands of pregnant women and induced the birth of the babies they carried.

Most people see me in my lucid state, as Congressman Paul, so naturally they have questions about what Dr. Paul is like. Like Congressman Paul, Dr. Paul is strongly pro-family. He is so pro-family that if he smells a baby inside a pregnant woman (within a 500-foot radius) is developed enough to be viable outside the womb, he sprints to the woman, forces her to the ground, and moves his finger into and around her cervix to separate the baby’s membranes from the cervical wall. This causes a release of prostaglandins, which induces labor. After the baby is born, I return to the form of Congressman Paul and to the service of the people of Texas’s 14th Congressional district.

Associated Press

The age of Big Brother is upon us, my people. Our intrusive, expansive government is getting ready to track us with national ID cards, which you’ll need for all “federal purposes,” like boarding planes, entering a federal building, traveling into a national park, or operating a grain elevator that participates in commerce among the several states.

Soon enough, the government will know everything you do and everywhere you go. They’ll see you going to the saloon for a glass of root beer sasparilla. They’ll see you cobbling your shoes and waxing your mustaches. They’ll even know if you travel to Warnersville to get treated for diphtheria by old Doc Hathaway. There was a time when a man was left free to roam about the country minding his own business.

A few weeks ago my campaign advisers came to me and said, “Ron, we need to start advertising, only bloggers and unemployed Gen-Xers know who you are.”

“Great idea!” I told them. “Let’s take out an ad in the Sears Roebuck mail-order catalogue. Take this down: Ron Paul’s amazing energy elixir makes you feel robust and youthful.” But they preferred to go with a new medium that they claim reaches more people. So I agreed, but was curious to know what could reach more people than the Sears Roebuck catalogue.

“Television,” they told me.

“What is that, like a radio?” I asked. I was beginning to think this was a practical joke.

Associated Press

People are looking closely at my record now that I am running for president. Many people in Congress call me “Dr. No,” because I vote against bills so often. But I think the treatment I’m getting is unfair.

Like for some reason, critics get down on me for voting against relief with Hurricane Katrina. Now, I didn’t read the bill completely, but obviously this Hurricane Katrina was some kind of female juggernaut on the wrestling circuit who had gone rogue, killing hundreds of people in the southeastern U.S.

Listen, I don’t care if people ask questions from their internet tubes or from their inner-tubes, I’m not afraid to answer them. My opponents seem scared of being caught off-guard by a tough or uncomfortable question. Do you think William McKinley was scared of being asked tough questions about the gold standard, as he smoked a corn cob pipe on his front porch? No, he answered every question, even my question about those imperialist Spaniard conquistadors. Trying to take our sugarcane.

Anyway, just to prove how easy it is to respond to these video questions submitted on-the-line, I will answer a few of them right now via interweb connection. Martha, be a dear and roll the tape.

Karl, I would have to choose a third option besides bullets and food: nothing. As president, we would have no relationship with the outside world — not the Ottomans, not the Prussians, not even the Gauls. Every five years we will send a small team of explorers to the Asian lands to buy spices and myrrh, but that’s it.

Lower the budget? During my presidency we wouldn’t even have a budget. Maybe during an emergency we could barter using sodie-pop or licorice candy, or horseshoes.