I’ve been hounded by the media lately over something in my personal life that they say I haven’t made clear enough to the public. I’m sure most of you know what I’m talking about, because I’ve made it crystal clear.

Yep, here it is, right here in my campaign pamphlet:

I have made it no secret to the voters that I am what is called an “extra-competent” or “bipolar” Congressman. Not only am I serving my tenth year in the House as Congressman Ron Paul, but as my alter ego, Dr. Ron Paul, I have reached inside the wombs of thousands of pregnant women and induced the birth of the babies they carried.

Most people see me in my lucid state, as Congressman Paul, so naturally they have questions about what Dr. Paul is like. Like Congressman Paul, Dr. Paul is strongly pro-family. He is so pro-family that if he smells a baby inside a pregnant woman (within a 500-foot radius) is developed enough to be viable outside the womb, he sprints to the woman, forces her to the ground, and moves his finger into and around her cervix to separate the baby’s membranes from the cervical wall. This causes a release of prostaglandins, which induces labor. After the baby is born, I return to the form of Congressman Paul and to the service of the people of Texas’s 14th Congressional district.

What’s wrong with that? Because of me, those women can no longer have abortions. When I’m Dr. Ron Paul, I’m taking an active role in promoting the sanctity of life in our nation. I’d like to see Rudy Giuliani try to say that.

Some have said that because I have missed nearly 20% of House votes by running off to deliver babies I am doing a disservice to the people of my district. To them I say that being truly pro-life requires action both inside and outside Congress, and that Ronald Reagan was a werewolf and was still the best president ever.