Raising six million dollars in a day is quite an achievement, but as I’ve made it clear before, the current fundraising system is a bad for the country. So instead of hiring more staffers, or paying for advertisements on the magic talking box, I’ve decided to buy strawberry egg creams for every American. Cherry lime rickies may also be an option.

In the past I’ve been content to let my volunteer army plan outrageous, innovative and tacky fundraising stunts in my good name. Instead of the blimp, I wanted to ride a donkey from metropolis to metropolis. And I’m talking about your run of the mill donkey-back campaign either. We would have draped magnificent signs over the donkey’s sides with the boldest fonts money could buy, carried bullhorns you could hear from two counties away and rang cowbells so sonorous, you’d be saying, ‘old bridge chamber orchestra who?’

Since I fear the clouds may have absorbed the message I was shouting from my blimp, I called a little event of my own yesterday. And I’m a little surprised how it’s being portrayed in the daily rags. This was no fundraiser or Boston tea party “simulation”. It was a real tea party!

As you may know, the tea industry is a disgrace in our country. Celestial Seasons receives governmental subsidies while The East India Company’s superior product is heavily tariffed to create unnatural competition. Hey, I wish the American product was up to snuff just as much as you do. But there’s a right way to do it, and it involves mineral-enriched soil, oxidation and expert blending.