Many of you have probably seen my recent TV ad describing all the gifts Santa Rudy will be giving out this year. (Did you like my red sweater vest? Judy picked it out!) This year, I’ll be handing out a safe America, lower taxes, secure borders, job growth, strict constructionist judges and a fruitcake.

I can’t stress this enough — DO NOT EAT THE FRUITCAKE or you will be hospitalized like me. Play with the secure borders if you want. And you can exchange the safe America, no receipt necessary. The strict constructionist judges, however, are non-refundable. Please feed them at least once a day.

Obama has Oprah. Clinton has Madonna. Huckabee has Chuck Norris.

Big freakin’ deal. I have 9732 friends! And lots of ‘em are famous too. Like Comedian Hollywood Brett Sheargold! C’mon, you know him. The comedian guy? Yeah, that’s right, him. And Viktoria the Alpha Female. Her too! And she’s Online Now!

And they leave me messages too. Like Pinky Sugar Socks’ sparkly Christmas tree cat card. Take that Oprah! You think lavish fundraisers and hundreds of thousands of people at some political rally can compete with a Christmas tree cat?

I am sick to death of everyone saying 9/11 made my career. That’s insane!

Anyone with a brain knows it’s the other way around. It’s so pathetic how stupid 9/11 is always trying to take credit for me. If it weren’t for me, 9/11 would be nothing. Nothing! Everyone forgets that it was my decision to locate the Office of Emergency Management headquarters on the 23rd floor inside the 7 World Trade Center building. Hello? All Rudy! And who gave all those cheap, ineffective radios to the firemen? That was me, people, not 9/11.

What, a guy can’t show a lady a good time anymore?

Mistresses aren’t cheap, people. Yes, of course I used taxpayer money to fund my affair with Judy. Do you have any idea how expensive the Hampton Jitney is? Or how much gas it takes to idle away three hours in gridlock traffic on the Long Island Expressway? Or how much a decent lobster roll will set you back out there?

Trust me, the prices out there are insane. And you know, so what? So some indigent defendant didn’t get the lawyer he needed. Or some old lady had to put on an extra sweater during the winter because money was diverted from the agency responsible for helping her out. You don’t think that old lady was warmed by the thought that I was banging Judy in the Hamptons? Trust me, she totally was.