Associated Press

What a surprise, the Village Idiot Voice ran a hit piece on me this week in an attempt to discredit my 9/11 record. Seriously, even for a liberal-commie-hippie-terrorist paper like the Voice, you need some real moxie to criticize my handling of 9/11. You just sound crazy. What’s next, an expose on why babies are ugly? Nevertheless, I’m not going to stand here and be Swift-boated by anyone. And so here are five indisputable, air-tight, 100% verifiable truths about 9/11:

Absolute Truth #1: Rudy Giuliani’s leadership on 9/11 was fucking amazing.
I don’t think anyone disputes this. Oh, right, The Village Voice. Besides them.

Incontrovertible Truth #2: The emergency bunker was in the right place.
One of the stupidest criticisms of my handling of 9/11 is that we shouldn’t have put the city’s emergency management bunker in the World Trade Center, an “obvious terrorist target.” Well, dumbass, we put it there on purpose because we knew that the World Trade Center was the most likely site of an emergency. Since our radios are defective we often rely on messenger boys, carrier pigeons and word of mouth. We wanted to be as close to the emergency as we could to get the word out as fast as possible.

Incontestable Truth #3: The Democrats have forgotten entirely that 9/11 ever happened.
You know how I can tell? They don’t talk about it every single day — bringing it up at every campaign event, talking about it in every speech, singing about it in the shower. They have completely forgotten it even happened. And it was only six years ago!

Undeniable Truth #4: We made every effort to ensure the safety of the rescue workers.
We sent out an email to all the rescue workers which said, “Please note: You should wear respirators to avoid crippling lung diseases in the near future.” Sure, we put it at the bottom of one of those chain letters where you have to scroll down for five minutes before you get to the message, and the subject line was “Cheap V1aGara 0xYc0Tin Jessica Alba,” but people love all of those things. We wanted to make sure everyone read the email.

Indubitable Truth #5: The author of the story, Wayne Barrett, is a douchebag.
This doesn’t really have anything to do with 9/11. But how could someone so wrong about so many things not be a douchebag? I rest my case.