Romney embraces one of his nasty wives

It kills me to have to call out a fellow Republican. It goes against my nature. Gentle Rudy, that’s what they call me (when they aren’t calling me Mr. Kittens or Rainbows). Always there with a forehead to lean on for a friend in need.

So it hurts when a certain game show host from Massachusetts says mean things about me. I just want to be positive. You see, I’m not just America’s Mayor and America’s Maid, I’m also America’s Sweetheart. And America’s Sweetheart doesn’t like to talk bad about anyone.

But Mittens has been criticizing me for weeks. And America’s Sweetheart can only take so much. So, just between you and me, did you know that:

• Romney increased taxes 5000%? He even imposed a tax on saluting the flag and saying hello to police officers. When I was mayor, New York was one of the four cheapest places to live in the country.
• Romney claims he fixed health care? But have you seen how ugly people in Boston are? It’s like some kind of medieval plague.
• Romney was responsible for staggering crime increases? It’s true. Quite possibly because his 57 children were known to go on wild killing sprees. Crime in New York, however, was reduced to three bike thefts and two unpaid parking tickets while I was mayor.
• Romney didn’t save the world? Not even once during his entire time as governor. But me? Need I even say it?

So sticks and stones, Mormonster. Sticks and stones.