What, a guy can’t show a lady a good time anymore?

Mistresses aren’t cheap, people. Yes, of course I used taxpayer money to fund my affair with Judy. Do you have any idea how expensive the Hampton Jitney is? Or how much gas it takes to idle away three hours in gridlock traffic on the Long Island Expressway? Or how much a decent lobster roll will set you back out there?

Trust me, the prices out there are insane. And you know, so what? So some indigent defendant didn’t get the lawyer he needed. Or some old lady had to put on an extra sweater during the winter because money was diverted from the agency responsible for helping her out. You don’t think that old lady was warmed by the thought that I was banging Judy in the Hamptons? Trust me, she totally was.

This is how government works. And when I make it to the White House, you can bet I’m doing things the same way. Department of Social Security? Screw that. Judy and I are due for a Mediterranean cruise. And if “web-journalists” like Politico’s Ben Smith are going to be pissy about it, we’ll show him our slides when we get back.