Many of you have probably seen my recent TV ad describing all the gifts Santa Rudy will be giving out this year. (Did you like my red sweater vest? Judy picked it out!) This year, I’ll be handing out a safe America, lower taxes, secure borders, job growth, strict constructionist judges and a fruitcake.

I can’t stress this enough — DO NOT EAT THE FRUITCAKE or you will be hospitalized like me. Play with the secure borders if you want. And you can exchange the safe America, no receipt necessary. The strict constructionist judges, however, are non-refundable. Please feed them at least once a day.

But, for the love of god, stay away from the fruitcake.

If, for any reason you can’t resist, go directly to your local hospital. Tell the doctor that your symptoms are E. coli-related. You will probably be released the next day. Which reminds me, I should probably add universal healthcare to that gift list.

Season’s greetings, everyone!